Shut the F**k up already!

Tonight I went to yoga and am feeling on top of the world!  I really bask in the feeling I get as the lights are dimmed, my muscles tingle with energy, my breath is deep and regular, and I think that, in this moment, my life is peaceful and filled with joy, compassion, and love. Ahhhhhhh.  Can’t you just imagine how wonderful that feels?  I truly enjoy the folks at joy yoga and tonight I had one of my favorite yoginis.  She has a real soothing voice and is kind when pointing out my incorrect foot positions and (IMO) we bonded over our love of Eddie Vedder’s voice.  Tonight, as we were winding down our session and the lights were out and we were laying still and she began making the Tibetan bowl sing, the rain started falling on the windows!  How’s that for peaceful?

So, in my state of glowing happiness, I decide to be a good wife and go by the grocery store on my way home for the essentials.  It’s not too much to do for my tiny household!  Especially since it was my day off and I didn’t do a damn thing except read, play on the computer, and shop for a sexy Dr. Sketchy outfit.  I wind my way in and out of the aisles thinking how cool I am to be in my cute yoga workout gear buying all these veggies and organic products (even the kitties get natural food) and my soy milk- I even remembered to get J’s yogurt and OJ (I’m really trying out this good wife thing tonight!).  Really, if you can imagine it, I’m on cloud 9. 

Screeeeeeech.  All my peaceful thoughts go FLYING out the automatic doors!  (Which I’m so peaceful I didn’t even think to tell you about how the door alarm was going off the ENTIRE 30 minutes I’m shopping.)  The sweet looking old lady bagging my groceries takes one look at my healthy yoga-stretched figure and asks me the world’s most murderous question.  “Are you having a baby?”  WHILE staring at my belly!!!  “NO I most certainly am not, if I were it’s none of your damn business, I just left yoga, I’m feeling great and completely NONfat until just now, there’s a drawstring on my pants making my shirt stick out, I may be a little bloated, I have complete acceptance of my body (yoga talk seeping in), and seriously you need to shut the f**k up already!”

Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say.

I just smiled sweetly, said “No, I’m not.” and we continued to make small talk about the groceries I was buying.  All the while, my brain is on fire thinking up horrible things I could have blurted out about her!  Nice white hair old lady, haven’t you heard of L’oreal Nice n Easy?  Are you going to die soon?  Why is your face all crinkly, did you live in the desert growing up?  Is your husband still alive?  Do your kids call you frequently?  What was it like growing up during WWI?  Do you still churn your own butter?  Grrrrrrrrrrrr!  See?  No more peace!  All gone.  Damn grocery shopping.  I finish paying, get my stuff in the basket and start heading to the door.  As I look back, another good reason for never doing that, the old one’s staring puzzledly at my midsection.  Damn it!

So this is what I get for being a good yoga loving vegetarian healthy girl?  Right now, as I sip my freshly juiced homemade V-8 I’m going to try to forget about it, remember that she is old and therefore has poor eyesight.  I just had to share this with you while it was still seered into my brainfolds.  Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.

Hey, 2 posts in one day!  Sweet!

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